A · real · friend · walks · in...

Oh wow... its been like a billion years since I last updated.

So since I last updated a lot has happened. I completely put homecoming behind me and apologized 1000 times. Five months later I hadn't talk to him. Until.... I go online and see a myspace message. Kinda weird. I so read it. Its him apologizing. Telling me that him ignoring me isnt the type of person he wants to be... BLAH BLAH BLAH. We still have yet to really talk.... I mean I think we can be friends again. But more like the kind of friends who only hang out once in awhile. I should tell him the only way I will ever talk to him is if he takes showers on a regular basis (and washes his hair) and he is forbidden to where those rediculous tank top/t-shirt things he like to wear. Ewww.

:)

  

I definetly feel like kicking some ass.

So my day pretty much sucked. My classes sucked and then when I walked into my 6th hour who was there? None other than the ex best friend/boyfriend. Who I thought I would never have to see again, considering hes gone to a different school the last 2 1/2 years.

Makes me want to kill myself. JUST WHEN YOU KNOW YOUR DAY CANT GET ANY WORSE. SOME DUMB ASS FREAKIN KID HIT MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT. Ever seen Amanda mad? Lets just say a four letter word came from my mouth a lot.

My dad wonders why i hate him so much. Then he sits there and calls me a "peice of shit" and an "asshole."

I'm pretty sure I predicted things would go back to the way they were in a week. Its been less than a week and hes worse than before. I just want to get away from him and never come back. Its almost like its not even worth being alive anymore. All he does is make my life miserable. I should crash his car into another car. That way his car will ruined and I would never have to worry about him treating me this way ever again.

I hate him.

Apparently it is now ok for my sister to tell me that she wants to stab me.

Apparently it is not ok to defend myself when being attacked by a crazy phsyco known as my sister.

Lately nothing I do ever seems to please you. Maybe turning my back would be that much easier. Cause hurtful words are all that we exchange and I cant watch you walk away.

 

For one split second she almost turned around, but that would be like pouring raindrops back into a cloud.

 

Just when you think you might fix a friendship he has to go and mess it up again. I tired of getting hurt by the things he says.

 

I can't move on, cus the only thing I can
find wrong with you, is that you can find
so much wrong with me

Just one more thing before you leave
Don't forget to remember me

 

For the last time I'm sorry... All I wanted was to tell you happy new year...

Its that time of the year again. Write the first sentence of the first entry of every month this year.


January: past few days have been fun... cant wait till this weekend!!!

February:
Poor Buster. Last night he wandered around the house crying becuase he was in so much pain.


March: I really do not want to be horseless forever

April: So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em

May : So I've been angry at a certian person for not coming to the barn anymore.


June: I jumped in my pool. It was really cold.

July: So my horse is lame... this sucks.

August: So...
Shelbi quit today. I dont know what to say... I'll miss her...


September: :( IM tired... and I have to much homework. I have to work tongiht too... :(

October: yup so my heart is officially broken into a million tiny peices

November: i'm starting to fashion an idea in my head where i would
impress you, where every single word i said would come out
insightful or brave, or smooth, or charming & you'd want to
call me & i would be there every time you need me; i'd
be there everytime. but for now i'll look so longingly waiting...
for you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me

December: its funny how you can have all the friends in the world
but it just doesn't feel right without that one you lost..


So... I guess this year wasnt that great... I lost a good friend... gained a horse, lost a horse, and gained another horse. But I can tell you one thing... this girl named Amanda Batt... she kept me smiling and of course laughing my ass off the entire summer. YOU BETTER COME HOME SOON BATTY!!!

This is about to be a really long entry....

So last night I had this weird dream. I went to this thing were all the horses were grey. Instead of taking Murphy I took Stasch. When I was about to take him home somethign happened to him and he couldnt walk. So i had to leave him there. There were like a million grey horses and I couldnt find him anywhere. Finally I found him and he was in a stall with tile in it and he was laying down. He couldnt get up and I just started screaming and crying. What was up with that? It was such a weird dream.



Then last night I was thinking. I cant really put it into words how I felt. I guess it was just sad...

so i took a walk down memory lane today..
i just kept clicking back & back..
looking through old entries
sometimes i would stop & read
smile to myself & remember
then that smile would fade away
sometimes i would quickly scroll by
cus i couldnt stand to read the words
like one where i put our convo where we
sent each other kisses
but God i loved him so much
i didnt know till now & i hate him
i hate him cus...i cant hate him
i wish i could just start this past summer all over
& just re-live it over & over again..
I know you care, but it's just not fair..
When your not around I want you there..
& I need you to stop breaking my heart.


I tear my heart open. I sew myself shut.
My weakness is that i care to much.
& our scars remind us that the past is real.
I tear my heart open just to feel


How the hell can you miss someone who treats you so bad??????


So maybe that wasnt as long as I thought it would be.

All this snow makes me think of Buster. I miss him.

Shoveling snow without him out there playing in it was definetly weird.... :( I mean, the last time Buster could actually physically play it was last winter a few months before he died. I remember he kept eating the snow and running in it. Then he would run back to me with all this snow on his face... I miss him................ "I love you baby goodbye."

I heard that someone else wants to throw our New Years Eve party this year. So here the deal:

1. Its fine if someone else wants to.
2. I will not be there if another party is thrown.
3. You all are (as usual) welcome at my house for our party.

Don't that this is me trying to be rude or mean. Its not. But I was a little upset that my party was getting taken away from me. So I will simply say that even if someone else has a party I will still have mine. If you want to come you can if you don't then I dont care.

Anyway....

Even after studying for 3 1/2 hours with Lauren I still failed my chemistry test... well not failed... but I got a D. Boo :(